I would like wordpress to provide me an assortment that consists of all authors. You will find some dumb functions, that echo html (wordpress_list_authors()) - but that is not things i want.

I wish to obtain the full profile (ID, title, meta-data).

My current approach is not, things i am searching for - to become exact, it's **it.

$authors = wp_list_authors(array(
'optioncount'   => false, 
'exclude_admin' => false, 
'show_fullname' => false,
'hide_empty'    => false,
'echo'          => false,
'html'      => false)
);
$authors = explode(", ", $authors);

As well as here' am stuck, since there's no get_author_id_by_title() or similar.

Help, I'd rather not do SQL inside a friggin template.

You need to better use get_users, it's within the codex.

Well, knowing the consumer ID, you should use get_userdata.

Or else you should have a look only at that suggestion: http://wpengineer.com/list-all-users-in-wordpress/

global $wpdb;
$allAuthorIds = $wpdb->get_column( "SELECT ID FROM {$wpdb->users}" );
$authorsInfo = array();
foreach( $allAuthorIds as $authorId ) {
  $authorsInfo[$authorId] = get_userdata($authorId);
}

Which will provide the info for every user (including Wordpress extended info) within the $authorsInfo array. If you want to get customers by their role ('author') then you need to use the Wordpress_User_Search class. You are virtually instructed to use SQL here and there's nothing wrong with this.